Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
