apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
