Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
