I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
