I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
