I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Randomize