Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
