She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
