It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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