I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
