I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
