Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
