GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
