atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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