I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
