I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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