my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
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I need you to use more vowels.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize