yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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