He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
