Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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