3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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