I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
