Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
