o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize