i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize