i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
