I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
