Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
