My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
