I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
