Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
