if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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