HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
