u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
