I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
