I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
