we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
