i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
