it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
