I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
