areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
