It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I just found a bag of teeth...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
