i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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