Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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