I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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