Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
