I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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