My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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