You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
