Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
