so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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