when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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