i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
