She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize