Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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