My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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