I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
