I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Randomize
