I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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