Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
