stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
