Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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