Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
