it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
