I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
